Ugh I can't believe that I haven't written in so long...
Well not much has changed and it is getting really fucking old. Prom is just around the corner and I still don't have a date. How lame right? I'm so sick of the way I live and it's been like this for a little more than a year. I wish something would change, my life consists of a goddamn storage. It's way hard to remain optimistic when all I'm getting is beat down by circumstance.

Fuck I'm gaining weight again, it's freakin' gay. I need to lose at least 13 lbs by the end of this week. I'm thinking about starving myself, or just barely eating enough. This weekend was pretty nice; on Friday we went over to Juan's house to drink. Then on Saturday we went up north to go "camping," it was really fun. I felt really, really dirty afterward. But here I am now writing to you. This week my whole being is set on lose some fucking weight mode. Blah Blah Blah, it's wishing time and I wish for that...

It was so nice!



Today was the same as the others, boring. I smoked hookah today with Alex and Jordan, it was relaxing. I hate the way I live right now and I hate not being able to carry my own weight in this world. I just want to get a damn job and I want to get my own place. I don't know what to do I need some clarity in my life. Where to get it though? I need a sign. I am so unhappy right now, I hate where I'm living. I've basically been homeless for almost year. It's insane; I would have never though that I'd be in such a predicament. After Spring break I need to go on a serious job hunt.

Life is so goddamn confusing. One moment you can be happy and basically careless and the next your fucking knee-deep in shit. How does everything get so stupid so fast? Just let me go back in time to early December, I'd fix everything that's wrong now. I don't know what I want now, I'm so confused with my life. California was extra nice and I just wish I could leave to there and never come back here. Life's definitely like a slot machine- timing is everything.

This emptiness, I can't stand it anymore. I long for someone that can just sit with me and talk about anything I want and never have to worry about being bored because our company keeps us contented. But knowing my luck I'm never going to find such a thing. What is luck? And how do we change it?

That's me, I was actually thinking. It wasn't just a pose I was thinking of what could have been, I hate never knowing whats next, but I want to live life as it comes. I want to go to Prom, It's my senior year in high school for god's sake. But the only problem is that I don't know who to take and if I actually have that nerve to go and ask someone. So many things to take into account, but there's only so much I can handle.

Today was pretty fun. I hung out with Joel, Alex, and Vince. We went to downtown Tempe, there was a lot of really cute chicks there. That was on Mill Ave. When we got to Tempe Town Marketplace there was even more hot chicks. I wish that I had the nuts to actually go up and talk to one of them, I know that I'd be so much more happier if I had a girl. We took some "myspace" pics there as well. Then we left to go eat at Jack in the Box and then Natalie called Joel and asked if he wanted to play Fugitive. We spent like 45 mins running around Glendale. I'm pretty tired now and I guess we're going gold hunting tomorrow.

Today put me back into a stupid realization that I'm subconsciously I'm not over it still. I hate feeling this stupid emptiness of what could have been. I've always lived dwelling on my past I need to break that habit and I really don't know how. Life has a sick way of playing itself out, this is the only part that gets me; " the rest of the night was extremely cute." That's what she said about her night with Anthony, I don't even know the dude, but I fucking hate him getting something that I wanted so badly from her. I'm quite sure they're going to date. I can sincerely say I envy him whole-heartedly right now, I thought that I was over it. But me being the person that I am, I had to take a look and that's what I get for looking in the wrong places for answers. I need to be looking for a resolution instead of looking at my problem. I don't know anymore I just don't fucking know. I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING BETTER FOR MYSELF. HELP. PLEASE.