It was so nice!



Today was the same as the others, boring. I smoked hookah today with Alex and Jordan, it was relaxing. I hate the way I live right now and I hate not being able to carry my own weight in this world. I just want to get a damn job and I want to get my own place. I don't know what to do I need some clarity in my life. Where to get it though? I need a sign. I am so unhappy right now, I hate where I'm living. I've basically been homeless for almost year. It's insane; I would have never though that I'd be in such a predicament. After Spring break I need to go on a serious job hunt.

Life is so goddamn confusing. One moment you can be happy and basically careless and the next your fucking knee-deep in shit. How does everything get so stupid so fast? Just let me go back in time to early December, I'd fix everything that's wrong now. I don't know what I want now, I'm so confused with my life. California was extra nice and I just wish I could leave to there and never come back here. Life's definitely like a slot machine- timing is everything.

This emptiness, I can't stand it anymore. I long for someone that can just sit with me and talk about anything I want and never have to worry about being bored because our company keeps us contented. But knowing my luck I'm never going to find such a thing. What is luck? And how do we change it?

That's me, I was actually thinking. It wasn't just a pose I was thinking of what could have been, I hate never knowing whats next, but I want to live life as it comes. I want to go to Prom, It's my senior year in high school for god's sake. But the only problem is that I don't know who to take and if I actually have that nerve to go and ask someone. So many things to take into account, but there's only so much I can handle.

Today was pretty fun. I hung out with Joel, Alex, and Vince. We went to downtown Tempe, there was a lot of really cute chicks there. That was on Mill Ave. When we got to Tempe Town Marketplace there was even more hot chicks. I wish that I had the nuts to actually go up and talk to one of them, I know that I'd be so much more happier if I had a girl. We took some "myspace" pics there as well. Then we left to go eat at Jack in the Box and then Natalie called Joel and asked if he wanted to play Fugitive. We spent like 45 mins running around Glendale. I'm pretty tired now and I guess we're going gold hunting tomorrow.

Today put me back into a stupid realization that I'm subconsciously I'm not over it still. I hate feeling this stupid emptiness of what could have been. I've always lived dwelling on my past I need to break that habit and I really don't know how. Life has a sick way of playing itself out, this is the only part that gets me; " the rest of the night was extremely cute." That's what she said about her night with Anthony, I don't even know the dude, but I fucking hate him getting something that I wanted so badly from her. I'm quite sure they're going to date. I can sincerely say I envy him whole-heartedly right now, I thought that I was over it. But me being the person that I am, I had to take a look and that's what I get for looking in the wrong places for answers. I need to be looking for a resolution instead of looking at my problem. I don't know anymore I just don't fucking know. I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING BETTER FOR MYSELF. HELP. PLEASE.

This life of mine oh so confusing.
Never offering any clarity-fogged like my mind.
We work so hard at life, but in the end who will know what we have done?
Who will know the hardships and heartbreak we have endured?
What becomes of the world when we are gone?
So many question need answering yet there is so little time to analyze.

I guess that the past two days have been without incident. It was actually a good weekend, I decided to start talking to my dad again after about three months of not speaking to him. Anyway we decided to grill today, it was nice. I still really want a girlfriend, even though most guys won't admit this, I'm not afraid to; I actually want a loving relationship for myself. It's really not all about having sex, though I don't mind it, it's just a lot better when it's with someone you love or a least think you love. Being happy is definitely on top of my personal wish list. I'm just far too ingrained on what people'll say if I date a chick that I like. I think that I have good taste in girls, if only I lived somewhere where not everyone would be able to see my everyday life.(that was directed to mostly people that know me closely).
I hope school turns out well tomorrow.