This emptiness, I can't stand it anymore. I long for someone that can just sit with me and talk about anything I want and never have to worry about being bored because our company keeps us contented. But knowing my luck I'm never going to find such a thing. What is luck? And how do we change it?

That's me, I was actually thinking. It wasn't just a pose I was thinking of what could have been, I hate never knowing whats next, but I want to live life as it comes. I want to go to Prom, It's my senior year in high school for god's sake. But the only problem is that I don't know who to take and if I actually have that nerve to go and ask someone. So many things to take into account, but there's only so much I can handle.

Today was pretty fun. I hung out with Joel, Alex, and Vince. We went to downtown Tempe, there was a lot of really cute chicks there. That was on Mill Ave. When we got to Tempe Town Marketplace there was even more hot chicks. I wish that I had the nuts to actually go up and talk to one of them, I know that I'd be so much more happier if I had a girl. We took some "myspace" pics there as well. Then we left to go eat at Jack in the Box and then Natalie called Joel and asked if he wanted to play Fugitive. We spent like 45 mins running around Glendale. I'm pretty tired now and I guess we're going gold hunting tomorrow.

Today put me back into a stupid realization that I'm subconsciously I'm not over it still. I hate feeling this stupid emptiness of what could have been. I've always lived dwelling on my past I need to break that habit and I really don't know how. Life has a sick way of playing itself out, this is the only part that gets me; " the rest of the night was extremely cute." That's what she said about her night with Anthony, I don't even know the dude, but I fucking hate him getting something that I wanted so badly from her. I'm quite sure they're going to date. I can sincerely say I envy him whole-heartedly right now, I thought that I was over it. But me being the person that I am, I had to take a look and that's what I get for looking in the wrong places for answers. I need to be looking for a resolution instead of looking at my problem. I don't know anymore I just don't fucking know. I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING BETTER FOR MYSELF. HELP. PLEASE.

This life of mine oh so confusing.
Never offering any clarity-fogged like my mind.
We work so hard at life, but in the end who will know what we have done?
Who will know the hardships and heartbreak we have endured?
What becomes of the world when we are gone?
So many question need answering yet there is so little time to analyze.

I guess that the past two days have been without incident. It was actually a good weekend, I decided to start talking to my dad again after about three months of not speaking to him. Anyway we decided to grill today, it was nice. I still really want a girlfriend, even though most guys won't admit this, I'm not afraid to; I actually want a loving relationship for myself. It's really not all about having sex, though I don't mind it, it's just a lot better when it's with someone you love or a least think you love. Being happy is definitely on top of my personal wish list. I'm just far too ingrained on what people'll say if I date a chick that I like. I think that I have good taste in girls, if only I lived somewhere where not everyone would be able to see my everyday life.(that was directed to mostly people that know me closely).
I hope school turns out well tomorrow.

Today was an exact example of how I don't want to be for another fucking Valentine's Day. The only person I could ever think of spending it with was with someone else on account that I'm not a white guy. What fucking bullshit?Right? Anyway I'm pretty much past that, I just hope Karma comes and bites back fucking hard. I wonder if anyone else has the same exact problem as me right now. I know it seems like I'm being desperate, but I like to think of it as taking an incentive to speed things up. I"m going to start my search for happiness by looking for a girl that's willing to see me for me and not have some stupid fucking bias. I don't date Mexicans. What purpose drives people to be so fucking close-minded?
Ugh I guess, goodnight to whoever reads this, I hope you've had a better day than I have.

I feel rejuvenated today, I think I'm finally back to being my normal self. I've finally let go and I must say it feels really good not having to worry about someone else's feelings before your own. Today was really chill and easy as hell-- that rhymed but that's exactly what popped into my head, so I'm going to go with that. I had a conversation with Vince today about life in general and I felt like I was breaking barriers within myself just with my philosophies on life. Things are quite dandy I hope that things go up from here on so that things just get easier to accomplish. Opening my eyes was as easy as just putting my foot down for what's good for me.