Today was an exact example of how I don't want to be for another fucking Valentine's Day. The only person I could ever think of spending it with was with someone else on account that I'm not a white guy. What fucking bullshit?Right? Anyway I'm pretty much past that, I just hope Karma comes and bites back fucking hard. I wonder if anyone else has the same exact problem as me right now. I know it seems like I'm being desperate, but I like to think of it as taking an incentive to speed things up. I"m going to start my search for happiness by looking for a girl that's willing to see me for me and not have some stupid fucking bias. I don't date Mexicans. What purpose drives people to be so fucking close-minded?
Ugh I guess, goodnight to whoever reads this, I hope you've had a better day than I have.

I feel rejuvenated today, I think I'm finally back to being my normal self. I've finally let go and I must say it feels really good not having to worry about someone else's feelings before your own. Today was really chill and easy as hell-- that rhymed but that's exactly what popped into my head, so I'm going to go with that. I had a conversation with Vince today about life in general and I felt like I was breaking barriers within myself just with my philosophies on life. Things are quite dandy I hope that things go up from here on so that things just get easier to accomplish. Opening my eyes was as easy as just putting my foot down for what's good for me.

I'm so fucking confused right now, I don't know what the fuck I can do to fix this, but at least I got some time. Life is just one big fucking combination lock with lots of possibilities but only one right. I don't think I'm very good at finding the right thing, how can I be such a fuck-up sometimes? It's just that some people are impossible to figure out but I'm not one to give up so easily I've got to give all I've got at everything that I do. I'm not going to be so easily defeated even though sometimes I've got to take a hit to make things right and I'm good with that. Things can get really sketchy at times, but just keeping the screws tight in my head should allow me to pull through. Living in contradictions isn't very smart either so choices need to be made or else I'm going to be stuck in a rough place. People just can't recognize a genuine person when they see one and they're not to blame, I've got to show who I really am and I got to stop being afraid of what people think of me. I'll never get what I want that way.

It has been raining all day. It's really stupid because it ruins a lot that I want to do. I swear that I'm just sick of some people, I hate the way they just make dumbass reasons just to act mad at me.some things are just meant to die after a short period of time and that's exactly what's happening right now. I know that I'm always writing in figurative language ,but that just happens, I'm just a blender.

Life can be oh so predictable sometimes, but we do have the power to change. Life can be as easy as finding a tree or as hard as finding a UFO, but one thing we can do is remain optimistic. I don't know what came over me today but I am deeply humbled by the way I live now and I realize that it could be so much worse. So why stress over it? I think I'm just going to live my life as it comes and not think so much, I just need to take the course of action that reflects me. I don't know exactly who wrote this but it's a great quote and I want to live by it, "The biggest mistake someone can make is being afraid to make one." It make so much sense...
There's more than just merely living, indulge! Curse, Fuck, Play, Fight, Live!
Learn to understand things around you be accepting and not excepting, there's always room for change.

I guess that I'll just get back into my trend of blogging, it's sort of fun after all. Anyway I just wanted to talk to myself, I had a pretty good day it wasn't too exciting, I did the usual.
which was to go to school, have a talk with some friends at lunch, leave, come back, drop off Mariah, and hang out with my boys. You know it's funny that even though someone doesn't do too much during the day, it's still better than being home by yourself. Although I don't have much now I still want it all. Is that bad? Do I even care anymore? It's just that there's always something more to life than just the 'norm' I want it, but I can't fucking get it, I know what it is, but I can't fucking get it. I guess there really are times when you just have to say "don't be an idiot, open your goddamn eyes and walk your happy-ass away." But I'm too stubborn to listen to even myself, but I need to because I'm just breaking myself down. I've already got my eye set on someone else now, I haven't seen her in a few days now and I'm starting to just look for random girls that'll fill the hole in this life of mine. And I always say this and I'll say it till the day I kick the fucking bucket, I just want to be happy. Things don't stay the same so I shouldn't be foolish and move the fuck on. But with Valentine's Day just around the corner... I'd be really nice to actually participate and with someone I actually like, but if I did it would be a completely one-sided thing and I'd look like a goddamn fool. I just don't know anymore, but I'm going to keep optimistic about this and just hope that the absolute best comes to me because I'm always looking but I never seem to find it.

Gosh it's been so long again, I don't even feel like counting the days that I haven't blogged online. But I'll get started anyway, so I've been good for the whole month of January, but I know that it could have been far better than what it was. I still haven't stopped smoking, I can't, I need it way too much. It does help me cope with a lot. I still want a girlfriend and I don't that I'll find anyone soon, but I still hope that I can find this one girl, but I haven't seen her lately and I don't even know her name. But I hope I can find her and start talking to her. I've recently re-kindled my passion for California and I want to go live there after high school. I don't know though, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I simply just want to be happy with my life and not have to worry so much, I want to have something that'll keep me sane or someone for that matter.