Ugh I can't believe that I haven't written in so long...
Well not much has changed and it is getting really fucking old. Prom is just around the corner and I still don't have a date. How lame right? I'm so sick of the way I live and it's been like this for a little more than a year. I wish something would change, my life consists of a goddamn storage. It's way hard to remain optimistic when all I'm getting is beat down by circumstance.

Fuck I'm gaining weight again, it's freakin' gay. I need to lose at least 13 lbs by the end of this week. I'm thinking about starving myself, or just barely eating enough. This weekend was pretty nice; on Friday we went over to Juan's house to drink. Then on Saturday we went up north to go "camping," it was really fun. I felt really, really dirty afterward. But here I am now writing to you. This week my whole being is set on lose some fucking weight mode. Blah Blah Blah, it's wishing time and I wish for that...

It was so nice!



Today was the same as the others, boring. I smoked hookah today with Alex and Jordan, it was relaxing. I hate the way I live right now and I hate not being able to carry my own weight in this world. I just want to get a damn job and I want to get my own place. I don't know what to do I need some clarity in my life. Where to get it though? I need a sign. I am so unhappy right now, I hate where I'm living. I've basically been homeless for almost year. It's insane; I would have never though that I'd be in such a predicament. After Spring break I need to go on a serious job hunt.

Life is so goddamn confusing. One moment you can be happy and basically careless and the next your fucking knee-deep in shit. How does everything get so stupid so fast? Just let me go back in time to early December, I'd fix everything that's wrong now. I don't know what I want now, I'm so confused with my life. California was extra nice and I just wish I could leave to there and never come back here. Life's definitely like a slot machine- timing is everything.

This emptiness, I can't stand it anymore. I long for someone that can just sit with me and talk about anything I want and never have to worry about being bored because our company keeps us contented. But knowing my luck I'm never going to find such a thing. What is luck? And how do we change it?

That's me, I was actually thinking. It wasn't just a pose I was thinking of what could have been, I hate never knowing whats next, but I want to live life as it comes. I want to go to Prom, It's my senior year in high school for god's sake. But the only problem is that I don't know who to take and if I actually have that nerve to go and ask someone. So many things to take into account, but there's only so much I can handle.

Today was pretty fun. I hung out with Joel, Alex, and Vince. We went to downtown Tempe, there was a lot of really cute chicks there. That was on Mill Ave. When we got to Tempe Town Marketplace there was even more hot chicks. I wish that I had the nuts to actually go up and talk to one of them, I know that I'd be so much more happier if I had a girl. We took some "myspace" pics there as well. Then we left to go eat at Jack in the Box and then Natalie called Joel and asked if he wanted to play Fugitive. We spent like 45 mins running around Glendale. I'm pretty tired now and I guess we're going gold hunting tomorrow.

Today put me back into a stupid realization that I'm subconsciously I'm not over it still. I hate feeling this stupid emptiness of what could have been. I've always lived dwelling on my past I need to break that habit and I really don't know how. Life has a sick way of playing itself out, this is the only part that gets me; " the rest of the night was extremely cute." That's what she said about her night with Anthony, I don't even know the dude, but I fucking hate him getting something that I wanted so badly from her. I'm quite sure they're going to date. I can sincerely say I envy him whole-heartedly right now, I thought that I was over it. But me being the person that I am, I had to take a look and that's what I get for looking in the wrong places for answers. I need to be looking for a resolution instead of looking at my problem. I don't know anymore I just don't fucking know. I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING BETTER FOR MYSELF. HELP. PLEASE.

This life of mine oh so confusing.
Never offering any clarity-fogged like my mind.
We work so hard at life, but in the end who will know what we have done?
Who will know the hardships and heartbreak we have endured?
What becomes of the world when we are gone?
So many question need answering yet there is so little time to analyze.

I guess that the past two days have been without incident. It was actually a good weekend, I decided to start talking to my dad again after about three months of not speaking to him. Anyway we decided to grill today, it was nice. I still really want a girlfriend, even though most guys won't admit this, I'm not afraid to; I actually want a loving relationship for myself. It's really not all about having sex, though I don't mind it, it's just a lot better when it's with someone you love or a least think you love. Being happy is definitely on top of my personal wish list. I'm just far too ingrained on what people'll say if I date a chick that I like. I think that I have good taste in girls, if only I lived somewhere where not everyone would be able to see my everyday life.(that was directed to mostly people that know me closely).
I hope school turns out well tomorrow.

Today was an exact example of how I don't want to be for another fucking Valentine's Day. The only person I could ever think of spending it with was with someone else on account that I'm not a white guy. What fucking bullshit?Right? Anyway I'm pretty much past that, I just hope Karma comes and bites back fucking hard. I wonder if anyone else has the same exact problem as me right now. I know it seems like I'm being desperate, but I like to think of it as taking an incentive to speed things up. I"m going to start my search for happiness by looking for a girl that's willing to see me for me and not have some stupid fucking bias. I don't date Mexicans. What purpose drives people to be so fucking close-minded?
Ugh I guess, goodnight to whoever reads this, I hope you've had a better day than I have.

I feel rejuvenated today, I think I'm finally back to being my normal self. I've finally let go and I must say it feels really good not having to worry about someone else's feelings before your own. Today was really chill and easy as hell-- that rhymed but that's exactly what popped into my head, so I'm going to go with that. I had a conversation with Vince today about life in general and I felt like I was breaking barriers within myself just with my philosophies on life. Things are quite dandy I hope that things go up from here on so that things just get easier to accomplish. Opening my eyes was as easy as just putting my foot down for what's good for me.

I'm so fucking confused right now, I don't know what the fuck I can do to fix this, but at least I got some time. Life is just one big fucking combination lock with lots of possibilities but only one right. I don't think I'm very good at finding the right thing, how can I be such a fuck-up sometimes? It's just that some people are impossible to figure out but I'm not one to give up so easily I've got to give all I've got at everything that I do. I'm not going to be so easily defeated even though sometimes I've got to take a hit to make things right and I'm good with that. Things can get really sketchy at times, but just keeping the screws tight in my head should allow me to pull through. Living in contradictions isn't very smart either so choices need to be made or else I'm going to be stuck in a rough place. People just can't recognize a genuine person when they see one and they're not to blame, I've got to show who I really am and I got to stop being afraid of what people think of me. I'll never get what I want that way.

It has been raining all day. It's really stupid because it ruins a lot that I want to do. I swear that I'm just sick of some people, I hate the way they just make dumbass reasons just to act mad at me.some things are just meant to die after a short period of time and that's exactly what's happening right now. I know that I'm always writing in figurative language ,but that just happens, I'm just a blender.

Life can be oh so predictable sometimes, but we do have the power to change. Life can be as easy as finding a tree or as hard as finding a UFO, but one thing we can do is remain optimistic. I don't know what came over me today but I am deeply humbled by the way I live now and I realize that it could be so much worse. So why stress over it? I think I'm just going to live my life as it comes and not think so much, I just need to take the course of action that reflects me. I don't know exactly who wrote this but it's a great quote and I want to live by it, "The biggest mistake someone can make is being afraid to make one." It make so much sense...
There's more than just merely living, indulge! Curse, Fuck, Play, Fight, Live!
Learn to understand things around you be accepting and not excepting, there's always room for change.

I guess that I'll just get back into my trend of blogging, it's sort of fun after all. Anyway I just wanted to talk to myself, I had a pretty good day it wasn't too exciting, I did the usual.
which was to go to school, have a talk with some friends at lunch, leave, come back, drop off Mariah, and hang out with my boys. You know it's funny that even though someone doesn't do too much during the day, it's still better than being home by yourself. Although I don't have much now I still want it all. Is that bad? Do I even care anymore? It's just that there's always something more to life than just the 'norm' I want it, but I can't fucking get it, I know what it is, but I can't fucking get it. I guess there really are times when you just have to say "don't be an idiot, open your goddamn eyes and walk your happy-ass away." But I'm too stubborn to listen to even myself, but I need to because I'm just breaking myself down. I've already got my eye set on someone else now, I haven't seen her in a few days now and I'm starting to just look for random girls that'll fill the hole in this life of mine. And I always say this and I'll say it till the day I kick the fucking bucket, I just want to be happy. Things don't stay the same so I shouldn't be foolish and move the fuck on. But with Valentine's Day just around the corner... I'd be really nice to actually participate and with someone I actually like, but if I did it would be a completely one-sided thing and I'd look like a goddamn fool. I just don't know anymore, but I'm going to keep optimistic about this and just hope that the absolute best comes to me because I'm always looking but I never seem to find it.

Gosh it's been so long again, I don't even feel like counting the days that I haven't blogged online. But I'll get started anyway, so I've been good for the whole month of January, but I know that it could have been far better than what it was. I still haven't stopped smoking, I can't, I need it way too much. It does help me cope with a lot. I still want a girlfriend and I don't that I'll find anyone soon, but I still hope that I can find this one girl, but I haven't seen her lately and I don't even know her name. But I hope I can find her and start talking to her. I've recently re-kindled my passion for California and I want to go live there after high school. I don't know though, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I simply just want to be happy with my life and not have to worry so much, I want to have something that'll keep me sane or someone for that matter.

It's been fourteen days since I've written here and not much has changed. I haven't gotten much done at all and it really bothers me. I've already broken one of my resolutions which was to quit smoking, I guess I'm not yet strong enough to deal with life without a little nicotine. As for "you", I don't know exactly what to do, I don't understand you and I don't think that I'll ever know truly what you think. I don't even know if I should keep trying maybe it's finally time for me just to get on with my life and find someone else. But no one, that I know of can ever remotely be like you, that's probably what drew me to you. Oh well, that life we live for the moment only.

Today seemed to be pretty good, I mean I don't feel any problems right now. Now I really know why and I'm glad it happened you got what you deserved. I can't believe I'm finally going to get a job! I can't wait to save a lot of money so that I can buy a car... I hope life just gets better, I hope that person I'm thinking of can come to their senses can just look past what I am and see who I really am. Now that I know what potential I have I'm going to use it, I've just got to give off the right vibe.
I must confess, but I'm in love with my own sins.
-Fall out boy

So today was just a total waste of time. I tried to get my phone activated, but it didn't work apparently I don't have service on it. Here we go again I wish I had a girl that I can rely on and that doesn't let me down. I just feel like I have huge hole in me and when I'm with a girl I really like(ed) it all goes away.
I just want to find someone that can accept me for who I am and that makes me feel good about myself. At least I've got another 362 days to find her. Lately I feel so damn bored I know exactly what it is and everything reminds me of what it is, seriously there has been so many signs today it's insane or am I? Maybe I am but who cares? The resolutions for this year that I have made have definitely made time feel a lot longer than it really is. I don't know if I want to go back to school or not because I don't know how it'll turn out, fuck it though I've just got to get myself out there. Hopefully something give way soon, something good needs to happen.

2009 who would have though that I'd make it this far? Not me that's for sure, so much has changed for me some good and some bad ones. But I don't regret any of it nor would I trade it for the world. If it's one thing I've learned from 2008 it's that people can be very deceitful and the only thing you really have is yourself. Some things I can honestly say I would have done differently some things, but hey, we learn from trial and error. Mostly errors though. I've been shaped into a totally different person but I like the way I am. Oh yeah one of the most valuable things I learned too was; how to truly appreciate what I do and I don't have. As for 2009 I'm ready to further myself into what I will become and the power to resolute what I want.
1. Quit smoking
2. Get the girl I'm crazy about
3. Lose weight
4. Finish school
5. Move into my own place
6. Get a car
7. Be who I really am
8. Weed out the "scum"
9. Live my life
Here I come 2009 so be ready for me because this is MY TIME.